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I love Fundamentalist Christianity.

No, I’m not a Christian, just a heathen Buddhist who is apparently spending the afterlife in fire and brimstone, unless I’m born again. (Unless, of course the Buddhists are correct, and I get reborn as someone important like a movie star or maybe something awful like a horsefly. But I digress.) But that doesn’t prevent me from appreciating the Christian Right and all it has to offer.

What could the Christian Right possibly have to offer besides intolerance and complete, unquestioning faith in a book written by a small tribe of Hebrews 2,000 years ago, you say? Well, it’s because the most powerful of them have absolutely no sense of irony.

I’m sure you know what I mean. (If you don’t, it’s probably because you think I belong in hell and will send me emails telling me so.) On the one hand we have the bible that says,

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

  And then on the other hand, we have Christian  leaders like Jerry Falwell, who in my humble    opinion, is ten times the comedian Jerry Seinfeld  is.  So much of what he says in the name of  Christianity is so beautifully ironic and  unintentionally funny, that it’s a wonder why the  Laugh Factory doesn’t book Mr. Falwell for a  Saturday night show.

Don’t know what I’m talking about? Well, here’s a sampling of some of Mr. Falwell’s greatest quotes:

“Christians, like slaves and soldiers, ask no questions.”

“Someone must not be afraid to say, ‘moral perversion is wrong.’ If we do not act now, homosexuals will own America!.. If you and I do not speak up now, this homosexual steamroller will literally crush all decent men, women, and children who get in its way…and our nation will pay a terrible price!”

“AIDS is not just God’s punishment for homosexuals; it is God’s punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals”

“I listen to feminists and all these radical gals - most of them are failures. They’ve blown it. Some of them have been married, but they married some Casper Milquetoast who asked permission to go to the bathroom. These women just need a man in the house. That’s all they need. Most of the feminists need a man to tell them what time of day it is and to lead them home. And they blew it and they’re mad at all men. Feminists hate men. They’re sexist. They hate men - that’s their problem.”

“The whole (global warming) thing is created to destroy America’s free enterprise system and our economic stability”

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